Dear Independent Lady: My cat snorted all my cocaine! How do I get it down from the ceiling?
Feb 23rd, 2008 | By admin | Category: Dear Independent Lady| Dear Independent Lady, I need your help! My kitty is hyper spastic! It’s (normally) a black cat, but right now it’s face is white, eyes are solid red, and claws are extended and stuck in the ceiling. It’s meowing what sounds like Jefferson Airplane while hanging up-side-down from the ceiling!How do I get Fluffy down?
Cat Lover, Cinicinati |
| Dear Cat Lover:It sounds like your cat has a lot of pep. Sounds like you need to “Bring Fluffy Down” and we have just the thing! A little bit of Ketamine will do the trick. Cats love the stuff, as do ravers!
You may want to play some Jefferson Starship to counteract the Jefferson Airplane. The cat should get slightly depressed (as did most people), and potentially come down. Another trick is to have a few friends come over, and you all sit in the corner of the room opposite fluffy. Leave a little coke on the table, and watch how quickly the cat comes down to get some. This would be a good time to catch that cat, and at least they’re off the ceiling. Rest assured that by 2pm or so, the cat should chill out and want to take a nap. |
Actually, my cat ate about a gram of my weed a really long time ago before I became a born-again highly productive drug-spurning member of society. Turns out mortality threshold is one gram per pound of bodyweight. Which means my cat would need to eat 1/2 oz. to die. You might wanna look up information on cocaine toxicity, unless your cat’s already dead. Hehe…I mean…
Funny thing is, once the drug-induced haze cleared, I did the math and realized that I would have to eat/smoke five oz. of weed in one sitting to kill myself, which is laughably impossible. And then I wondered, if one bottle of 151 would kill me, why is alcohol considered less dangerous?
And then I thought about a recent anti-drug commericial about a girl who shames herself by acting the exhibitionist at a party where everyone apparently was so bored that they all have their phones out and ready to immortalize her shame in easily mass-distributable photographs…And I thought, if weed makes you paranoid, and alcohol is disinhibitory, then wasn’t she likelier drunk than stoned?
And then I thought about another anti-drug commercial where a girl is in the bathroom with her mother waiting for the results of a pregnancy test, and when it comes up positive, the voiceover tells us that weed impairs judgment. And I wondered, Do they mean that weed makes you stupid enough to get pregnant, or stupid enough to tell your mom you think you’re pregnant before taking the pregnancy test by yourself?