In a recent phone call with someone whom I shall leave anonymous, we spoke about what the latest is in their company - which is getting bought out. She mentioned to me that the company is offering all sorts of staying bonuses, as well as these retention contracts. Basically, these contracts state that if you come aboard to the new company, and get fired between immediately to one year, you get a 1 year salary… if it’s within 2 years, you get a 2-year salary. My source sighed and said “Can you believe it? A 6-figure paycheck, for doing nothing! Maybe I’ll beg the department head to fire me once we transfer ownership. Then I can go and live in London for 3 months, Spain for 3 months, Jamaica for 3 months, and do yoga everyday!”

If your company is getting bought out, and you get a bonus for staying, and then the hardest decision is “How do I get fired, so I can take a 1 year (or 2) paid vacation?” I thought I’d write a quick list of the top 20 things you can do to get fired.
20)Show up to work in your underwear. If confronted, say “I thought it was casual Friday!”
19)Use the TPS reports to gut fish (Thank you “Office Space” one of this editor’s favorite movies)
18)Take the Boss’s parking space (every day).
17)Show up late, leave early.
16)Don’t bathe (This one takes a little more commitment than the rest), don’t shower, don’t use perfume/cologne/deodorant.
15)Bring a video game console and play it at your desk. Invite other employees to join you. Start an office betting team. If you want to make it really interesting, make the game “Dance Dance Revolution”
14)Practice voodoo rituals at your desk (i.e. slaughter a goat, shout out strange incantations, come in with face-paint, and beads glued to your face). You can always claim religious discrimination and sue for additional funds after that one.
13)Show up for work drunk. Have a flask with you at all times, use it after looking both ways to make sure it’s safe (doesn’t matter if it is or not). If you’re worried about a DUI, remember: you don’t need to start drinking until you’ve parked your car. You can stop drinking 2-3 hours before it’s time to go. Keep the flask in the trunk, so you don’t violate any open-container laws.
12)Smoke weed in the office (this one may get other employees in trouble too, so be careful).
11)Sell company secrets to the competition… out loud, during business hours, from the company phone.
10)Start leaving confection sugar (the white powdery stuff) in all your outgoing mail from the company. Send lots of mail.
9)Since you’re preparing for a long vacation anyways, get rid of your apartment, and start sleeping at the office. Caution: this may get you another promotion.
8)Bring pets or kids to the office with you. Claim you couldn’t find a sitter. If you’re really cruel, give them laxatives. Don’t have pets or kids? Borrow them.
7)A survey by the ePolicy Institute, the American Management Association and U.S. News & World Report found that 35 percent of companies have disciplined or terminated employees for visiting restricted or unauthorized Web sites. What better place than work to surf for porn, order pharmacy supplies, or gamble?
6)Call 1-900 numbers from work. Use the boss’s phone if possible.
5)Job hunt from work. Forget your resume on the copier/fax. Take phone interviews at your desk.
4)Throw after-hours raves at the office. Charge admission.
3)Take on really important project. Do not take meal breaks, have food delivered to your desk. Do not take bathroom breaks…go at your desk. Bring nose plugs, just in case. You can offer nose-plugs to other employees, “but this project is really important, so I can’t leave my desk!”
2)Be other excessively hostile or excessively friendly towards others. Everybody loves physical contact!
1)Sleep with the boss’s significant other- post pictures on the company website.