I was one of the first girls to grow boobs. It’s not like I wished them upon myself. Genetics made it happen. My mother was busty. My sisters were always packin’ a minimum of C-cups.
I was perusing some older photographs and was delighted to see that I did, indeed, have normal sized breasts at some point in my life. Well, normal for the women in my family, that is. Comfortable bras have always eluded me.

As I got older, gained weight, gave birth, breast fed …. my boobs have grown with me like the trees of the Amazon. Sadly, my breasts don’t reach to the heavenly skies grasping at sunlight. You can probably guess that my boobalas choose to take the path of least resistance; the path of gravitational pull. Ladies, you know that infamous pencil test? You know the one that says you’re breasts are still perky if you place a pencil under your breast and it falls. Well, I can put an entire pencil case under Thelma and Louise and it stays in place.

Let me track back for a second to explain Thelma and Louise. I was discussing how odd I found it that men name their penis. Whereas, women don’t typically give their body parts names as if they are an entirely separate entity. The guy, with whom I was discussing this matter, inquired what name I would give my breasts. Without hesitation I blurted out Thelma and Louise. And so it goes….
At one point I had lost 30 lbs, but saw little shrinkage in the breasticular area. As the girls grew, the selection of bras decreased. I was regaled in viewing the delicate, lacy gems in Victoria’s Secrets. I’d check the sizes available and walk away feeling like Henrietta Hippo. I hungered to wear pretty things even under the ugliest of holiday sweaters. The Internet had to have the answers I longed for.
The first website I found was http://www.figleaves.com/ . They are a pricey online store based out of Britain. The sizes were virtually unlimited. I was in shameless lacy heaven. One particular brassier caught my eye. It came in a variety of color combinations: Taupe on taupe (boring), purple on black, black on pink, green on black. Delicious! The description read that instead of underwires, this had a polymer support system. Polymer? Immediately my brain dashed to thoughts of NASA. If this thing could support the space shuttle, surely it could support my weighty issue. I first had to find the correct size. I furiously searched around for my tape measure. The instructions for proper measurement tells me I need to put on a bra that fits well. Now, if I had a bra that fit well, would I really need to measure? Me thinks not, but I digress. I follow the simple math instructions for determining the right cup size. It’s also noted that bras vary in size depending on brand/manufacturer. UGH! First it was math problems. Now I have to read a chart system that could only be deciphered with the help of a protractor and/or MIT grad. Since I had neither, I took a shot in the dark.
I ordered two: 1 in the boring taupe and the other in black and purple. As a double treat I ordered the matching tummy support thongs. Don’t ask me how on Earth a thong can possibly support ones tummy while the fanny pack is bajigglin’ around out back. All I had to do was wait…and wait…and finally call the customer service line to find out where my pretty things were. The lovely British woman on the other end assured me they would arrive in no less than 3 days.
::insert Jeopardy theme song:::
My order finally arrived and I shredded the packaging. I whipped off my tshirt, tore off my old, elastic bare bra and held the highly anticipated polymer equipped over the shoulder bolder holder in my happy hands. I unclasped it, wrapped it around my waist, hooks to the front and hooked the 3 heavy duty hook & eyes. I turned it around and scooped my flesh into the supportive; yet gloriously feminine cups. It fit. But what in the world was IN the cups? I’m not talking about Thelma and/or Louise. There was what felt like a shoe horn. A polymer shoe horn was the primary support system of that model. My right hand reached up, under and *knock knock*. I wondered how this polymer armour could possibly be better than a thin wire under the breast material. Sure, the wires eventually work their way up and out at the most inopportune times … typically rearing it’s ugly head when you’re talking to a male co-worker, but at least it doesn’t knock three times.
I wore the bras because I had spent a small fortune on them. I have to say it created an interesting reaction while on a date and we were getting snuggly and he put his arm under mine to hug me. I demonstrated how I couldn’t feel anything on the sides due to the spaceage polymer. Naturally, I had to show off the hollow resonance I could make with my knuckles. It momentarily killed the mood, but things got back on track.
As time went by, my girls got too big for even the figleaves.com beauties. I tried several other styles and sizes and always, ironically, fell flat on proper fit. The bigger I got, the uglier the bras were … are. Long gone were the days of multiple color and lace selections. No longer could I choose a demi or decolletage revealing, front hook styles. I required the wide, double padded, reinforced, non-slip, non-stretch straps. Long gone were the 2 or 3 hook styles. I now had the grandma 5 hook deals. Sayonara to the smooth fitting, t-shirt butes. Hello multi-seamed nightmares.
Wearing a demi style bra makes it looks like two cats are rasslin’ under a blanket when I walk. If the cup size isn’t just right, the wires jut outward and it looks like I have an alien obtrusion. If the cup is too small and tight it creates a most delightful quadra-boob situation. Now, that’s mighty flattering, isn’t it? I know one day my breasticular units will be subject of a Glamour Don’t. It’s not my fault. It’s difficult to be fitted for a bra when your only choices require a second mortgage and a miracle, and a little help from NASA.

Hill: So what did you do today, hon?

Bill: Oh, you know…official stuff. Signed some things, paid some bills…

Hill: I hope you didn’t sign our fortunes away to some Jesse Jackson charity!

Bill: No, no! I just signed a stupid gay marriage thing.

Hill: Oh, how wonderful! I always loved the lesbians at Wellesley.

Bill: No, I banned federal recognition…I mean, families are
families… we can’t have depraved HIV positive orgies in the American
living room, you know? Plus, it’s a reelection year.

Hill: Well, I guess let’s have hot hetero-normative family-oriented sex in the
pre-constitutional bedroom then, shall we? I asked Maria to make
hospital corners, just like you like!

Bill: You know, I’m kind of worn out. It’s those estrogen-leaching
plastics; I think they’re killing my testosterone. I’m switching to
metal, ok?

Hill: Okay, dear. Hey, I found a cigar in your bathroom. Are you
smoking these days?

Bill: Oh, no, well, yes, I mean, sometimes…in the bath, to uh, unwind.

When I decided to launch Independent Lady Magazine, I had to create numerous new e-mail addresses.  I also had to deal with multiple computers (not all of which are on the internet), and my Outlook was already a giant mess!  What to do?

WHAT IS A PORTABLE APPLICATION:

Basically, a program (often free), that you can run off an external harddrive without requiring installation. You can carry it with you on a key chain! You can have your web browser (and bookmarks!), your e-mail program (which for those who didn’t know can download all your hotmail/gmail/yahoo mail/etc… so you can browse it at your leisure even when you’re not on the internet.), your music player, your graphics editor, your Instant Messenger, FTP programs, PDF reader, and much more with you at all times!

The advantages are numerous!  First of all, there’s the obvious: Mobility!

If you are using a portable web browser, then you always have all your bookmarks with you!  You also have all your cookies with you, and all your cached passwords with you!  For those who don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s when you log onto a website, and it remembers your password.  Ever try to log on to your blog from a friend’s computer, and forget your password?  Well… carrying your own browser with you solves that because that password goes with you!

If you bring your (portable) chat program with you, then you always have all your buddy lists with you, and you don’t need to go through the trouble of installing chat programs at friends houses… or you can chat where you can’t install programs at all (library, work, school, etc..)- just because you are now running the program off your keychain. I like to use Trillian (www.trillian.cc) - which is available in Portable format - because it lets me use AIM, Yahoo Messenger, MSN messenger, IRC, ICQ, and has plugins to use newer chats like Jabber.  It has many plugins that let you add functionality (gmail notification, yahoo mail notification, stock alerts, birthday alerts, and much more) - and it’s all free.  One thing I find handy is that it logs all my chats, so when someone says “I never said that!” you can paste it right back to them with a time/date stamp.  I’ve gone through and found e-mails and phone numbers many times as well by going through old chat-logs.

You can check your e-mails and read them at home.  You can write e-mails without internet, and then just mail it when you get on the internet.

Then of course, there is privacy! If you are reading a PDF file titled “20 lotions you can use to spice up your love life.pdf”, there’s a possibility that you do not want your co-workers, friends, or even fellow residents at your home to see that title in the “Documents” section of windows (or whatever they call it on a Mac).  Using a portable PDF reader takes care of that.  Your portable OpenOffice will open any MS Office document, and will not leave any traces in your office’s recent documents.  Oh yeah, it too is free!  Why pay $300 for MS Office when OpenOffice will do it all for free?

I’ve often had to log onto a server to grab a file that I stored earlier, but could not remember the login or filename.  Having my FTP software with me would certainly have helped.  Having the passwords and server names for all my FTP locations would have helped more.  With a portable FTP application, you can have it all with you at all times!

I started this article by describing a (very real) problem that I was having with the Independent Lady Magazine e-mails.  The solution was to use Portable Thunderbird.  Thunderbird  is Mozilla’s free e-mail program.  It is great for dealing with multiple e-mail accounts, and this version (portable) means that I can carry it with me on a USB key chain!  That’s right, no installation necessary.  That’s what a portable application is.  It’s the future!

An additional benefit of portable applications is that your computer will run faster if you use them!  How can that be? Every program (since Windows 95 introduced the registry) upon installation leaves a giant mess of dependencies in your computer.  There’s the program files, then there are links to the windows components that the program uses, then there’s all the registry entries.  Your computer has to process all of this stuff whenever you turn it on, and run it.  Even if you get rid of a program using the uninstall feature, it still leaves behind some junk in the registry.  This is why your computer runs faster when you 1st get it, or upon a clean format / reinstall of the operating system.  By using Portable Applications, you can have a clean registry, and faster computer!

Don’t have a USB Drive?  They’re pretty darn cheap now! On a Google search this morning for 8gb USB, I found this one http://www.directron.com/usb208gm.html for $29 (I think it’s a sale, most other places seem to have it at $40 cheapest)!  8 gigs of glorious storage for only $29 (plus shipping).  That’s twice what my Ipod Nano holds (an Ipod with Drive-Mode enabled can be used as an external harddrive as well).  You can carry your documents, your music, your pictures, and now of course, your applications.

Here are a few examples of programs you already use, and their portable equivalents

Your old program	Portable program
Acrobat Reader	Foxit Reader
FileZilla (FTP client)	FileZilla Portable
FileZilla Server	FileZilla Sever Portable
Nero / Roxio CD Burner	Deep Burner Portable
AIM / Yahoo / MSN / Google Messengers	Trillian Portable or GAIM
Winamp / Itunes  / Windows Media Player	VLC Media Player
Internet Explorer / Firefox	Portable Firefox
Photoshop	Portable Gimp
Outlook Express	Portable Thunderbird

There are many portable programs that I can’t list, and the list is always growing.  One really nice maker of these programs is PortableApps.com (they’re the one who made Portable Thunderbird).  They are legit, and have a list of many programs. That’s a good place to get started.  There’s always doing a Google search for “portable applications”. I found another list (though, this seems mostly for Windows programs) here: http://www.quate.net/newsnet/read.php?30.

A few last tips!

1. Having all those documents (your e-mail, spreadsheets, contracts, instant messages, chats, photos, bookmarks, ftp logins, etc) can be convenient.  There is the risk though of having “a friend” try to get access to your keychain while you’re not looking… or you may be concerned about losing it, and the information falling into the wrong hands.  For that, I recommend encrypting your USB drive.  There are many solutions. Here’s a free one that works well, TrueCrypt.   Feel free to research other solutions as well if you like, my word is certainly not the final say on how to do everything.
2. Having the information with you is valuable, but who hasn’t lost their keys before?  Harddrives can crash, computers can be stolen, and shit happens! You should make a ritual of backing up your USB drive (applications and all) onto your personal computer.  There are many ways to encrypt the backup so no one can get into that.
3. You don’t have to encrypt your drive or backup files.  If you do, however, make sure to use a pssword that won’t be easy to guess (don’t use your birthday or pet’s name), but make sure it’s not one you will forget!  Leave yourself a written reminder somewhere.

I hope you find this information useful, and start using portable applications today!

If there are any portable applications you like, feel free to share them with others by leaving a comment

Now I’m adding a forum, I’ve made the Log-in be AJAX (so you don’t need to go to a separate page), added social bookmarking, a functional contact form, an article submission form, and much more! Then of course, there’s writing content!    Check out my new article on the top 20 ways to get fired from your job!

If your company is getting bought out, and you get a bonus for staying, and then the hardest decision is “How do I get fired, so I can take a 1 year (or 2) paid vacation?” I thought I’d write a quick list of the top 20 things you can do to get fired.
20)Show up to work in your underwear. If confronted, say “I thought it was casual Friday!”
19)Use the TPS reports to gut fish (Thank you “Office Space” one of this editor’s favorite movies)
18)Take the Boss’s parking space (every day).
17)Show up late, leave early.
16)Don’t bathe (This one takes a little more commitment than the rest), don’t shower, don’t use perfume/cologne/deodorant.
15)Bring a video game console and play it at your desk. Invite other employees to join you. Start an office betting team. If you want to make it really interesting, make the game “Dance Dance Revolution”
14)Practice voodoo rituals at your desk (i.e. slaughter a goat, shout out strange incantations, come in with face-paint, and beads glued to your face). You can always claim religious discrimination and sue for additional funds after that one.
13)Show up for work drunk. Have a flask with you at all times, use it after looking both ways to make sure it’s safe (doesn’t matter if it is or not). If you’re worried about a DUI, remember: you don’t need to start drinking until you’ve parked your car. You can stop drinking 2-3 hours before it’s time to go. Keep the flask in the trunk, so you don’t violate any open-container laws.
12)Smoke weed in the office (this one may get other employees in trouble too, so be careful).
11)Sell company secrets to the competition… out loud, during business hours, from the company phone.
10)Start leaving confection sugar (the white powdery stuff) in all your outgoing mail from the company. Send lots of mail.
9)Since you’re preparing for a long vacation anyways, get rid of your apartment, and start sleeping at the office. Caution: this may get you another promotion.
8)Bring pets or kids to the office with you. Claim you couldn’t find a sitter. If you’re really cruel, give them laxatives. Don’t have pets or kids? Borrow them.
7)A survey by the ePolicy Institute, the American Management Association and U.S. News & World Report found that 35 percent of companies have disciplined or terminated employees for visiting restricted or unauthorized Web sites. What better place than work to surf for porn, order pharmacy supplies, or gamble?
6)Call 1-900 numbers from work. Use the boss’s phone if possible.
5)Job hunt from work. Forget your resume on the copier/fax. Take phone interviews at your desk.
4)Throw after-hours raves at the office. Charge admission.
3)Take on really important project. Do not take meal breaks, have food delivered to your desk. Do not take bathroom breaks…go at your desk. Bring nose plugs, just in case. You can offer nose-plugs to other employees, “but this project is really important, so I can’t leave my desk!”
2)Be other excessively hostile or excessively friendly towards others. Everybody loves physical contact!
1)Sleep with the boss’s significant other- post pictures on the company website.

            Immediately, my best friend asked me what I was doing posting online when I could walk into a bar and meet any guy there.  While that sounds great, I told her I’d rather not limit myself to guys in bars.  Maybe a guy in a theatre, or at a blues club, or at a basketball game would be fun.  She responded with such a feeling of disgust at online dating that it made me wonder, what is everyone so afraid of?  After some personal research I found that there are two main problems associated with internet dating.  Mystery and Danger.

              Now picking a person to date on some sites is as specific as ordering at Starbucks.  We specify exactly what we want according to size, color, skinny or regular, with extras or not for versatility or pizzazz, etc. Yes, to some that’s what internet dating can feel like.  Some sites are extremely specific and then will request taking a compatibility test to make sure you’ll hit it off.  However, if being that specific isn’t your cup o’ joe, on some sites, you can simply post an ad and wait for an answer. But herein lies the question everyone is asking….Where’s the mystery?

             The mystery is the same as being set up by someone else, getting all the aforementioned qualities up front and meeting someone in the supermarket.  The mystery is what you make it.  You can choose to find out more or leave the rest to inquire in person.  The choice is completely up to you.

            In the days of old, dating was suspenseful and intriguing, you had no idea about what the person sitting across from you did for fun, a living, or otherwise.  Then again, in the days of old, serial killers couldn’t pose as perfect “someones” behind a screen name on the latest dating site.   Okay, so “serial killers” is going a bit too far.  But in all fairness, how do you know that Mr. Joe Handsome is really volunteering with terminally ill children at Chicago Memorial on his days off? Fact is, you don’t.  

            This brings us to the next societal problem placed on internet dating: Danger.  Of course it can be dangerous meeting someone for the first time when they are basically a stranger; but, this is the same in any dating atmosphere.  How well does your friend actually know her boyfriend’s-cousin’s-college roomate? Exactly.  Just because it’s coming from a friend, doesn’t make it any more safe. You never really know.  So why not take matters into your own hands and get an idea of what someone is like without playing the childhood game of telephone.  The danger isn’t really where the date comes from.  The probability that the boyfriend’s-cousin’s-college roomate could be a serial killer is just as high as the guy online who sounds too good to be true.  Except on some sites, they actually started running background checks to make sure that this won’t happen.  One should take all the same precautions as usual dating.  Well-lit, public places, short periods of time, a girlfriend on speed dial, and little alcohol consumption are all marks of a play-it-safe attitude.  Today, a single woman should be safe in any situation, no matter where she met her date.  

            So with all of this in mind, I went ahead and placed ads about me, about them, and everything in between. I got some answers and exchanged some emails.  I went on a few dates from both kinds of sites and, unfortunately, none of them worked out.  I don’t have any terrible stories, in fact, the dates were great, I had a good time.  I just didn’t feel that special tingle.  That’s what dating is about.  The good thing? I was able to meet some guys that I initially liked what I read about them.  It wasn’t hearsay and I chose whether or not I wanted to go, without the guilt of saying “no“ to a set-up date and hurting someone‘s feelings.  Again, of course there was that looming thought that Mr. Six-foot-great job-animal lover could’ve been the exact opposite; but, that’s the chance I took. So, after some research, my opinion is to go for it.  Meet the guy on the internet. Tweak the mystery gage as much or as little as you want and keep the danger level low. 

            After trying it, I have no objection to dating online.  In fact, when people ask me where I could have possibly met my Friday night date, I tell them.  I  picked him.  I learned enough about him to be intrigued and wanted to continue to the next step. It’d be the same if I met him on the street and went to go have coffee.  Except, I already knew some things about him and knew we’d have a lot to talk about. 

            While I’m a big believer in fate, I’m also a believer in taking control of your own life, giving fate a helping hand.  After all, like us, fate is very busy these days.  Why not list some specifications, or at least likes and dislikes, so the probability of good conversation is higher.  The more you talk about what you’re looking for, the more you learn about yourself.  Dating online doesn’t have to be scary if you take the necessary precautions. You don’t have to always know someone who knows your next possible date. Who knows, maybe that guy you met online was thinking the exact same thing you were: “Where the hell is she?” and hopefully he took matters into his own hands and looked for you online.

She sings.

She likes Gerber Daisies.

Voted most eligible bachelorette in Ohio, this one flies, is a dominatrix, has a crazy past that makes Jerry Garcia jealous, and just bought herself a Porche for the holidays. She’s super creative, and super hot.

Check out this slideshow by our Feature Photographer.

This is one independent lady all right. She travels the world on exotic photoshoots, parties with TommyLee, fights in a very cut-throat industry, and makes it home to take care of her little one. This is Natalie Nicole, and she kicks ass… and has a bunch of tattoos / piercings

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Cat Lover, Cinicinati

Dear Cat Lover:It sounds like your cat has a lot of pep. Sounds like you need to “Bring Fluffy Down” and we have just the thing! A little bit of Ketamine will do the trick. Cats love the stuff, as do ravers! You may want to play some Jefferson Starship to counteract the Jefferson Airplane. The cat should get slightly depressed (as did most people), and potentially come down. Another trick is to have a few friends come over, and you all sit in the corner of the room opposite fluffy. Leave a little coke on the table, and watch how quickly the cat comes down to get some. This would be a good time to catch that cat, and at least they’re off the ceiling. Rest assured that by 2pm or so, the cat should chill out and want to take a nap.

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